I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
