There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
