I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
