i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
