you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
