when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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