too bad you live with your parents still
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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