is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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