do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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