I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
