I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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