how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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