Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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