I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
