Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
