You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
