My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
