I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
