captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
