Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
