Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
