i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
