he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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