My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
