my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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