Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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