Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
