I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
