I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
