What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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