Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
