you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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