Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
