Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
BRING THE BAGELS
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
