he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
