bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
