So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
