dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
