I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My friends, they love my intelligence
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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