Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
