I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
