I just saw a hot homeless man
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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