Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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