I seem to have left my pride at pride
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
