Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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