Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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