Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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