my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
