I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
