Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
