i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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