If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
