textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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